Derailed . . .

There’s a steady course that I’ve been running for years. One that’s well marked and comforting, for the most part, although its surface has varied over time and presented unexpected challenges. Branches have fallen and blocked my path; weather has turned nasty, requiring an added dose of determination. Even my gear has worn and needed replacing, at times. But all along, I’ve remained fully supported and confident, regardless of terrain.

Recently, however, a hand, a big one, came out of nowhere and knocked me completely off course. My feet stumbled from the trail, and I rolled into thick brush before spiraling down a cavernous ravine. After a massive tree broke my fall, I stood bloodied and bruised and assessed the situation to find it dismal.

The path where I knew I could withstand anything is no longer visible. The woods around me are dense with the thickest of foliage hiding a wealth of unknowns. It’s dusk, and I’m hearing noises that scare the shit out of me.

It’s going to take every ounce of bravery I possess to find my way – not to the trail where I ran before, as that’s gone forever – but to a new one, where I pray I’ll find sunshine again and perhaps even moments of heartfelt joy.

That’s what it feels like to be derailed.

That’s what it’s like to lose a mother.

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12 Comments

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  1. My dear Leana: what you say is so true. Your world has changed and there is no going back. I understand exactly what you are saying. A loving suggestion, if I may, is to not fight it. You are in no hurry. Sit in your new space, for a spell.

    I love you so much. -John

  2. What a lovely way to describe the sentiment of loss – it really touched me! Lost my mother in 2015.

    • I’m sorry for your loss, Denise. As is often the case after experiencing something firsthand, I have newfound and intense empathy for mother-loss. Sending you a wealth of heartfelt hugs!

  3. Hi Leana, you nailed it in one. Do sorry for the loss of wonderful Birdie. My mom, Helen, was my best friend, a twin soul born a generation ahead of me, and this is exactly how it felt when she went. So glad she and your Mom were friends; she had an endless supply of stories about life with Birdie during training, etc. And they usually involved a prank! Sending lots of love as you navigate this passage. Xo

  4. Michèle vallée

    October 16, 2016 — 9:06 pm

    MY DEAR Leana, first what a beautiful picture! You spoke so nicely and with so much sadness in your heart ! I wish that I could embrace you with my 2 arms and just hold you as much as It takes to bring you some comfort !

    Please say hi to you dad and give him a big hug for me! He must be so lost without his best friend, his life companion and at last his love!
    Hugs and kisses for you and your family my dear friend!
    Love….Michèle xx

  5. Leana, so beautifully written, thank you for sharing.

  6. I know all to clearly these emotions. When I lost my parents 100 days apart in 2009, I was completely unprepared for the avalanche of emotions, the days, weeks, months and years of unexpected tears and sadly the way families fail when faced with tremendous grief. The thing that bothered me most at the time was that the world didn’t seem to skip a beat during it all and there I was feeling like an orphan…at my age. Be kind to yourself Leana. There is no timetable for grief or tears and most importantly, watch for her sign posts…she is there. Love you always. xo

  7. Hi there Leana
    I bumped into Walter at , Mike’s service centre today.
    He was doing well and he spoke of his time of loss with your Mom. I have lovely memories of your beautiful mother she was always so very sweet. I believe that they are forever with us.

    So sorry for your loss.

  8. I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to express …
    Union de Prières.
    Manob

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